And for a moment I lose myself...

Yesterday when I was at work, I noticed compassion fatigue by another employee I was working with.  Last week I had to sit in on a class about this compassion fatigue and how it is toxic in the psych environments.  I kind of passed it off as shit (especially because the speakers were terrible) but now I'm really beginning to witness it in fellow employees as they get easily irritated or will not go an extra mile for their patients.  I went to help one patient who has a bell in her room because she isn't too stable on her feet.  When I got to her room, she told me she was glad that it was I who came to help her because one of the other psych associates had been mean, rude and in her words, a "fuckface".  In a way, this made me feel good that I was doing a good job being kind and helpful, but then again, this meant that this patient was not receiving kind treatment.  It scares me to think if I will someday, finally snap and quit caring about my patients.  I really hope that day does not come but the job is stressful and has a high burn out rate.  I try to keep everything in check by putting myself in their shoes.  This is either hard or easy depending on the patient's issues.  If they were a sexual predator who is saying inappropriate things to me, then yeah, it's going to be hard in their shoes, Others who are fresh out of the ER after a suicide attempt are a bit easier to understand because I can understand their fear of such a different environment in the psych ward.  Regardless of who they are, I still just hope that I am able to keep a cool head and provide adequate care.  After all, that's what I'm getting paid to do.  

Already two months out of college.  It’s hard to believe.  I’ve been working at Fairview for one month and love it there.  I landed my dream job directly out of school…I’m very lucky.  
Today Kathryn and I went for a walk and ended up by the new Guthrie.  She hadn’t been in it yet so I offered her a tour.  While we were inside, it began to pour.  Her boyfriend Zach used a co-worker’s car to pick us up and rescue us from the rain.  When we got back home, we decided to watch a movie at her (and soon to be my) place.  We watched The Others and it just got me thinking about when I started up this journal and how I was in one of my Victorian phases at the time.  I soon ditched out of that phase because I went on a rockabilly kick that lasted for a few months.  
That brought me to what is on my mind currently.  Throughout high school and college, I traveled throughout phases, genres, themes, times etc., spending only a month or so in some or returning to the same familiar ones time after time.  My interests have caused a constant identity crisis that has kept me questioning what I should look like, how and where I should spend my time etc.  I sort of came to the conclusion today that I will forever be this indecisive with who I want to be…and that is that.  I will never be satisfied and stick to one genre for the rest of my life and now I need to accept that.  Sometimes I fuss about the fact that it is inconsistent if I wear a tight leopard, rockabilly dress one day and then want to wear a dainty light Victorian shirt the next.  Now, I’ve decided to let this inconsistency exist.  The fact that I can do that makes me unique.  I don’t need to stick to one interest so that I may take one side or the other.  It seems a bit ridiculous now even thinking about it.  I’m not dressing for anyone else, so why should I worry about what anyone else but myself thinks?  It’s about time for me to conquer my insecurities about my identity and how I display it.  Come on KB, you don’t need to squeeze yourself into any category to be yourself